


When In Doubt

by f-ing-ruthless-baz (f_ing_ruthless_baz)



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, First Kiss, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Self-Doubt, The Wavering Wood (Simon Snow), Watford (Simon Snow)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24822733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/f_ing_ruthless_baz/pseuds/f-ing-ruthless-baz
Summary: The Humdrum sends a magical creature to Watford that torments the students with their deepest fears.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 14
Kudos: 286
Collections: Carry On Remix





	When In Doubt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thecluelessphilosopher](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecluelessphilosopher/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Creature Within](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21584740) by [thecluelessphilosopher](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecluelessphilosopher/pseuds/thecluelessphilosopher). 



**SIMON**

I can tell Penny’s annoyed with me. She’s doing that thing where she breathes out in a huff, and she’s ignoring my protests as she calls Agatha over to join us on the lawn. She’s been trying to get the three of us to hang out more after the _breakup_. Penny is, I mean. Agatha hasn’t really tried to spend time with us at all.

She walks over to us now, though, smiling. It’s not her happy smile, I don’t think. She says my name when she greets me, but it doesn’t sound the same anymore.

“Sit with us,” Penny says to her. “I can spell my jacket big enough for all of us to sit on.”

“I… I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Agatha says, but Penny reaches up and grabs her arm to yank her down with us.

Agatha stumbles and nearly lands on me, but I hold her up and she takes a seat on Penny’s other side. It’s so awkward, I can feel my face burning. She sits with her knees together and her legs tucked up next to her as she smooths out her skirt. In contrast, Penny has her legs out wide in front of her and is leaning back on her hands, head tipped back to take in the sun.

It’s one of the first nice days of the season; it feels like spring is finally here. (But spring leads to summer, which means no Watford and no friends for months, so I try not to think about that.)

I don’t know how to make conversation with Agatha now, though I’m not sure I ever did. I would always just sort of let her talk, and I’d listen. But she doesn’t seem to feel much like talking today—

“Basil!” she says, lifting her hand to wave as she calls out to the last person I want to see right now.

Baz is walking past, with his hands casually in his pockets, like he thinks he’s so cool, and he barely even acknowledges her. I almost think he’s not going to stop for her, but then his eyes land on me and he fixes me with his icy stare.

“Agatha,” he says to her with a deceptively charming smile, and I bristle. He’s always referred to us by our last names only, but I suppose now that Agatha’s available, he’s trying to win her over. It makes me sick. (She’s not even really _available_ ; I know we’ll get back together eventually. We always do.) (She’s my happily ever after.)

“Lovely day, isn’t it?” she says to him, shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand as she looks up at him.

“A little too sunny for my taste,” he replies, and I laugh sarcastically. He snaps his attention back to me with a sneer. “You might want to stay out of the sun as well, you’ve got enough freckles as it is.”

Penny puts an arm out to stop me from getting up and punching him in his smug face. He needs to be taken down a notch or ten.

I’m about to think of a comeback when one of his minions—his cousin or whatever, Dev—comes running up to him. He pushes Baz in the shoulder to turn him away from us as he catches his breath.

“It’s Niall,” he says, a panicked look in his eye. “He’s—The Humdrum sent something and—”

Before Dev can even finish, I’m springing to my feet. He shakes his head and tugs on Baz’s sleeve before running off in the direction he came from, towards the Wavering Wood. Baz follows him without question, and I’m right on his tail.

“Piss off, Snow,” Baz calls back over his shoulder, but I’m already summoning my sword.

Agatha and Penny are calling my name, and I can hear them running after me, but I can’t just let this go. If the Humdrum is involved, I need to be there.

We all slow down once we pass the outermost trees, and the dry pull in the air confirms this is the Humdrum’s doing. But I can still feel my magic, so it’s not a dead spot. The woods are dark. Darker than they should be on a sunny day like this. And there’s a bluish haze over everything that makes it hard to navigate through the trees.

I stay as close behind Baz as I can, until we reach a small clearing and I see his other friend, Niall, slumped on his knees with his head hanging forward. Agatha screams, somewhere behind me, but I’m close enough to see that he’s not dead. I can’t even see any injuries, he just looks… empty.

**BAZ**

Dev rushes over to Niall and tries to get him to look up, but he just shakes his head.

“What’s wrong with him?” I ask as I scan the area for anything that could attack.

“It was a dog, it—” Dev begins, but then clamps his mouth shut for a moment before continuing. “It _looked_ like a dog. He said it looked like _his_ dog, the one he had as a kid.”

“It attacked him?” Bunce asks as she takes a step forward, sounding more curious than concerned.

“No, it just… talked to him,” Dev says. He tries to move Niall again, but Niall only slumps further forward.

“A talking dog?” Snow says, and I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

“He said it only _looked_ like a dog,” I snap. “Clearly it was taking the form of Niall’s beloved childhood pet to trick him.”

“Oh!” Bunce says, practically bouncing with excitement. “Did it have glowing eyes?” she asks Dev, who nods despite looking confused.

“And after it talked to him, it was like he lost the will to even keep standing?” she continues. Dev nods again, and she almost seems delighted. “Maybe it was a—”

“Doubt-devil,” I cut in once I see where she’s going with it, though I don’t quite match her rather indecorous enthusiasm about it.

“Doubt-devil?” Snow asks.

“Have you even _glanced_ at any of your textbooks?” I say to him, but Bunce shoots me a disapproving look.

“They’re creatures that feed on your deepest fears and self-doubts,” she says, turning her attention to Snow. “They take the form of someone or something you trust, and then tell you everything you’re most afraid of. Like holding a mirror up to your biggest fears and making you believe they’re real, until they break you. They’re extremely rare—”

“And extremely dangerous,” I add, since she seemed to be getting a little too delighted about it again. “This isn’t an educational opportunity, Bunce, this is a threat to the entire school.”

“Right, so, maybe we should get out of here,” Wellbelove says, reaching for Bunce’s arm.

“Agreed,” Dev says, and he crouches down to hook one of Niall’s arms over his shoulders.

“Devvvvv…” a voice whispers from beyond the blue fog that surrounds us.

Dev drops Niall’s arm as a black cat steps out of the fog towards him. It looks a lot like the one his family has back home. He loves that cat.

“Merlin and Morgana,” he curses to himself under his breath as he stares.

“Dev—” I say in warning, taking a step forward. “Don’t—”

“He’s always telling you what to do, yet you live in his shadow,” the cat says to Dev, whose eyes are fixed on it. “You’re just a background character in your cousin’s life. No one will ever care what you do. You have no story of your own. Even your best friend likes him more than you.”

Dev turns his head to look at Niall, and I take another step forward.

“Everyone wishes you were more like him. Better at school. Better in general,” the cat continues. “Your friends know they can do better, and they will leave you once you are no longer useful to them.”

“Don’t listen to it,” I tell him. “It’s just what’s in your head, it’s not real. Dev, don’t let it get to you.”

“It’s right, though,” Dev says quietly, as he looks up at me. “You’ve said so yourself… I’m nothing, I’m just your minion—”

“Dev, I didn’t mean—”

Before I can take another step, Snow comes barrelling past me, armed with his sword, and slashes at the creature. It dissolves into blue smoke and vanishes, but the air doesn’t change. It’s still around somewhere.

Dev blinks like he’s just gotten out of a trance, but he seems just as dejected as before. “Come on,” he grumbles, more to Niall than anyone else.

Snow seems to have interrupted the doubt-devil before it could sap all of Dev’s will, so he still has enough to hoist Niall to his feet and drag him out of the woods. I consider going after them, but Snow is already on the move and bound to get himself into trouble.

**SIMON**

Penny and Agatha are calling after me again as I charge deeper into the woods with my sword. The dark blue haze gets thicker as I go, and I have to slow down to avoid crashing into branches. I hear more than one set of footsteps behind me, which surprises me so much that I stop and turn around.

Penny doesn’t stop in time and knocks into me, but Agatha slows down behind her, looking less than amused. The most surprising part is that Baz is on their heels.

“What about your friends?” I say to him, gesturing with my sword arm before I realize and stop.

“What about yours?” he says. “You seem to have no problem leading them to their demise, do you?"

“Maybe we should all just leave, then,” Agatha cuts in.

“I have to stop it,” I say, but she doesn’t look swayed. “If this thing is let loose on the school…”

“So, what, you’ll just blow us all up instead?”

“Agatha—”

“I doubt we have time for a lover’s quarrel right now,” Baz says, and I glare at him. He knows we broke up and is just trying to piss me off. I hate that it’s working.

“Whatever, I’m leaving.” Agatha turns back around and starts walking, but something stops her before she can get very far. A large brown horse steps out from the trees and she gasps.

“Agatha, wait—” I say, but I’m too late. She’s already entranced.

“Nobody really knows you,” the horse says, as Agatha steps closer to it with her hand outstretched. “No one will ever love who you really are, because you cannot love anyone. ”

“Agatha, don’t listen—”

“None of your friends know who really are, not even your _real_ friends. Your Normal friends,” it continues. “If they knew the truth, they would abandon you, and you wouldn’t even care. You don’t even have a heart.”

“Stop—” Agatha says, her voice shaking.

“You don’t belong here, Agatha. You don’t belong anywhere. At least with Simon, you always had a place, even if you were miserable. Now you have nothing.”

“ _Miserable_?” I say in disbelief, but Penny puts a hand on my arm before I can rush over to Agatha and demand an explanation.

“Fears aren’t necessarily true, Simon,” Penny says, but I shake her off and go after the glowing-eyed horse with my sword, dissolving it back into mist.

“Agatha,” I say, lowering my sword as I approach her. “What did it mean—”

She faces me with vacant, watery eyes and shakes her head. “I can’t—”

I think about going after her when she turns to leave, but I don’t know if it would help. I look over at Penny. “Should I…?”

“I’ll make sure she’s alright,” she says, pushing past me. She only makes it a few steps before she stops and cries out, backtracking towards me.

She looks at me, panicked, and then back over at the trees as a figure emerges from the mist once more.

This time it looks like me.

“Simon—” she says, swinging her arm out behind her as she blindly tries to grab hold of me.

“I’m right here,” I say, clamping her hand to my arm.

“Yes,” the not-me says in return. “I’m always right here. Until I’m not.”

“Bunce!” Baz shouts when Penny starts drifting closer to it. “You can’t let it get to you!”

“There’s only so much you can do,” it says, wearing my face. “You can’t keep me safe forever, Penny. Being clever will only get you so far. And what happens when you visit Micah for the summer? Are you just going to leave me here? If something happens to me, you won’t have anything left.”

“Stop! It’s not true!” Penny says, forcing herself to take a step back as she holds up her ring. “ **Liar, liar, pants on fire**!”

It deflects the spell, and every other spell she casts at it, and I can see the energy drain from her body as she loses motivation.

“There’s nothing you can do about it, is there? You’re not enough,” it says to her. “You can’t save me. But you’re nothing without me.”

“No…”

“You’re a burden, Penny. Dead weight. You can’t protect me, so what good are you?”

Penny drops her arm and slouches forward, but I catch her before she collapses to the ground. I’m just about to run my sword through my doppelgänger so it can’t do any more to hurt her, but then a ball of fire goes soaring over our heads and hits it in the chest. It dissolves again, giving us a moment to catch our breath.

“I’ve always wanted to hit you with one of those,” Baz says when I look over at him.

“I’m sorry, Simon,” Penny says, slumped against me, so quiet I can barely hear her.

“Hey.” I try to prop her up more but she pulls away from me, shaking her head. “It’s okay,” I say. “It’s not real. You’re not—”

“I can’t,” she says as she pushes herself back. “I’m sorry.”

I want to go after her when she runs, but I know I need to stay and finish off this monster for good, before it can hurt anyone else. I stand in the middle of the cluster of trees and look all around for any sign of it, until my eyes land on Baz.

**BAZ**

“You should get out of here,” Snow says to me, gruffly.

“You can’t defeat it without my help,” I tell him. “Unless you really do want to go off again.”

“Of course I don’t—”

“We have to weaken it first,” I explain as I try to recall everything we learned about doubt-devils from our lessons. “If it comes after us, we can’t let it mess with our heads. We have to stand our ground, reject everything it says.”

“Not a problem,” he says, adjusting his grip on his sword.

I grab him by the shoulders to get his attention. “This is serious, Snow. You have to face your worst fears without buckling.”

“I’ve been fighting monsters since I was eleven, Baz,” he says, pushing me off and skirting around me. “I’ve been facing my fears for a long time.

“But are you actually _afraid_ of monsters?”

Snow glances back at me with a scowl before continuing on through the trees. I don’t think he knows where he’s going, but I follow him anyway, until he stops at another small clearing.

I hear the bleat before I see it. A small baby goat with glowing eyes, tucked up in the goatherd’s arms.

“Ebb!” Snow says, rushing towards them before I can stop him. “Put it down, that’s not really one of your goats! It’s a—”

“Snow, don’t get too close,” I warn him. “I don’t think she’s your friend.”

“What are you talking about?” he says, but he’s still moving towards the goatherd. “Ebb, you have to get out of here—”

“Simon, don’t—” I say, going after him, but by the time I reach him, he’s already been sucked in.

“Simon,” she says with a sad smile. “What a disappointment.”

“Ebb, what—”

“You’re a disappointment to everyone,” she continues. “The worst Chosen One that’s ever been chosen.”

I reel back at those words. _My words_. I’m the one who said that to him, years ago. And now it’s one of his biggest fears.

“You’ll never make the Mage proud, Simon. You let your emotions get the best of you. You are powerful, yes, but you are clumsy and weak, and you’ll always be too soft. You’ll be useless in the war. You know that if you have to fight Baz to the death, you will let him win. Imagine being so weak and cowardly that you can’t even fight your own worst enemy. You’re a sorry excuse for a mage.”

“No, no, no, no—” Snow mutters, getting progressively louder as he clamps his free hand to the side of his head. “You’re wrong. You’re wrong!”

“Do you think he spares an ounce of compassion for you, Simon? He will eat your soft heart, and you’ll be too weak-willed to stop him.”

“NO!”

“Why not turn your sword on him now, if you’re really that strong?” she says, and Simon slowly looks over at me.

He squares off facing me, his arm trembling with the weight of his sword as he tries to lift it. For a second I worry that, in his attempt to fight back the paralyzing self-doubt, he’ll actually do it, he’ll actually kill me. But then his sword drops to the ground with a clatter, and he follows it, until he’s hunched over on his hands and knees.

“I knew you couldn’t do it,” the doubt-devil says, and I shoot it with another fireball.

It disappears before the attack can hit, but I sense it reappearing on the other side of me. I whip around quickly, holding out my wand, only to come face to face with my aunt Fiona. But it’s certainly _not_ my aunt Fiona.

“Basil,” she says with a weary sigh, taking a drag from her cigarette. “You really do bring shame on your entire family, don’t you, boyo? What would your mother think if she could see you now? You’re disgusting.”

“ **Sticks and stones**!” I fire the spell at her, which is supposed to keep her from being able to say hurtful things, but she deflects it like it’s nothing. (It’s a schoolyard spell, so it’s not very powerful, but the textbooks say the key to defeating a doubt-devil is to make it unable to mess with one’s mind.)

“You’ll never be the man people want you to be,” she continues. “If you can even be considered a man. You’re a monster, and you always will be.”

“ **Cat’s got your tongue**!” The spell deflects again.

“And what do you think will make Simon hate you more, hm? The fact that you’re a vampire, or the fact that you’re sickeningly in love with him?”

I send another fireball at her to make her stop, but she dodges it.

“You’re a failure, Baz. I’m glad your mother didn’t live to see what you’ve become,” she says as I try to hurl more spells, anything I can think of. None are strong enough to hold. “You’re hopeless and pathetic. Simon will never love you back.”

“Shut _up_!” I shout before firing another spell, though I can feel myself losing power with each attempt. My magic and my will to go on is dwindling.

“ _Baz_.” I’m too drained to flinch when I feel Snow’s hand on my shoulder, bracing me. I didn’t even notice him get up. “Keep going,” he says.

I cast again, but nothing I do is powerful enough to hit the doubt-devil. I’ve already lost.

“I can’t,” I say, lowering my wand in defeat.

“You can, Baz.” Snow pushes me in the shoulder with as much strength as he can muster. “You _have_ to.”

“She’s right, though.”

“She’s not!” He pushes me again and I raise my wand arm. “It’s not true, Baz. Don’t let her get to you.”

“I’m not enough—” My words catch in my throat.

“You are! She’s wrong, Baz!”

I try casting “ **Nonsense** ”—a last-ditch effort—but I’m not even gripping my wand correctly and the spell goes nowhere.

“Come _on_ —” Snow pushes me again, but this time I feel a surge of warmth and power and _magic_ , starting in my shoulder and spreading all the way through me. I feel infinite. I feel invincible. I feel like I could cast any spell in the world.

I hold out my wand confidently and cast “ **Nonsense** ” again, and this time it hits. The doubt-devil loses its appearance as my aunt, revealing its true form as an amorphous blob of blue smoke, hovering in front of us. Before I can cast anything else, though, it dissipates into the air and vanishes. This time the fog lifts, and I can no longer feel the Humdrum’s presence in the air. I think it’s gone for good, at least.

“Baz!” Snow cries out, pulling his arm and his magic away so fast that the loss actually knocks me over.

Everything I had a moment ago is gone and I’m left with nothing.

I’m still hopeless.

**SIMON**

Baz drops to his knees, like he’s lost all structural integrity, and I throw myself to the ground in front of him, patting down his shoulders for signs of injury.

“Did I hurt you?” I ask frantically, but he just shakes his head. “Baz—”

“Go away,” he mutters.

“Baz, we did it,” I tell him. “ _You_ did it. It’s over. We can both go—”

“There’s no point. She was right. About everything.”

“Baz, no, it’s just your—”

“I’m a vampire, alright?” he says, louder, lifting his head to look at me. His eyes turn from desperate to cold. “Are you still too weak to kill me, now that you know the truth?”

“I—I’m not—I wouldn’t—”

“I’m a monster, Snow! You fight monsters. This should be easy for you now.”

“Baz, don’t—” I say, but I can hear my voice trembling. How can he say that? After everything that’s happened. “You’re not a monster…” I tell him, holding both sides of his head.

“Kill me or go,” he says, and I can tell he’s fighting back tears as well. “I don’t need you here.”

“Well, maybe I need you!” I’m surprised by my words, almost as much as he is. “I can’t hurt you, Baz. I won’t.”

He looks pained anyway. “Simon…”

I push aside every thought in my head and kiss him.

He’s cold, and unresponsive at first, but then he’s kissing me back, and it feels like this answers some question I didn’t even know I had. All I know is that I can’t let go of him now. I lose track of the minutes; nothing else seems to matter. But then Baz pulls back, gripping my arms.

“You don’t have to do this,” he says, barely loud enough for me to hear him over the sound of me trying to catch my breath.

“What?” I say to him, still holding his face between my palms. “What are you talking about?”

“I don’t need your pity. I don’t need you to save me.”

“ _Baz_ ,” I reply, practically a growl, as I press my forehead against his. “I’m not. That thing, it was wrong.”

He tries to shake his head, but I’m holding it steady.

“I’m not weak,” I say. “And you’re not hopeless.”

* * *

According to Penny, by making the doubt-devil unable to disguise itself as the person or thing we trust most, it became powerless and fled, and everyone’s self-confidence started trickling back slowly over the next couple days. Penny still made us all go to the infirmary, though, and the nurse sent each of us to see the counsellor. Apparently the leftover effects couldn’t be fixed with magic.

“Snow,” Baz says now, as I head out for our first lessons of the day. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

I stop and look back at him. “Uhhhhh… Right. Yeah.”

He’s raising an eyebrow as I walk up to him, and I give him a peck on the lips. We haven’t really had much time to say hello this morning, since he spent so much time getting ready.

“I meant your textbook, Snow,” he says with a smirk, and my ears heat up with embarrassment.

“Er, right—” I laugh awkwardly as I turn away but he catches my arm before I can go pick up my books.

“That was a joke,” he says, and pulls me back in. “I know you never read them.”


End file.
